Green River Star -

By Jack H. Smith
Staff Writer 

Experiences to make one a cave-dwelling recluse


Do you ever have those days?

The older I get, the further I distance myself from wanting to be around large groups of humans. Or maybe just most humans in general.

I had two instances last week that just made me want to scream.

It’s stories like these that really make me want to move to a cave and spend the rest of my days living there with nothing but the necessities.

The first was a simple misunderstanding that almost turned into what could have been a scary situation.

I had gone to the convenience store for a few snacks and had taken my girlfriend’s eight-year-old daughter with me because she also wanted snacks. I’m pretty sure if I let her, she would have spent $100 on snacks, but I gave her a limit.

We finished our shopping and were in line when she asked for one more thing. I caved in and told her to hurry up and go get it. I’ve learned anytime you tell this to a kid it’s a really bad idea and it had the reverse affect.

It was like she was in slow motion, debating whether to get a Kit Kat or a Twix like it was choosing what college to go to or naming a baby. This was obviously an important decision.

Finally after a few minutes, my patience was ending and I said, “hun, can you hurry up and get over here.” Sounds like something pretty simple and normal thing to say. It turns out this was not the case.

There was a man standing behind who thought I had called him honey.

The look on his face literally scared me. He was fuming. He was as red as a fire truck. If looks could kill I don’t think I’d be around.

His mouth then matched the look in his face. I was called just about every curse word you could imagine. I think at one point he was making up words.

This genius really thought I was talking to him.

I knew I needed to defuse the situation quickly before the guy came running at me swinging, giving me the option to run away or just drill him as hard as I could and hope that stopped him.

I’m far from tough or fast, so neither would have been a great option. I pictured him just grabbing my fist, lifting me into the air and throwing me into the display of chips. He seemed that angry.

My girlfriend’s daughter had now walked back over and I decided to explain to the guy that I wasn’t talking to him, that I was talking to her.

He looked baffled.

The poor guy couldn’t comprehend what I was saying. He was just that stupid.

He was looking at me like I should apologize for saying it, which I wasn’t going to do, because I didn’t do anything wrong.

He once again started to mumble. I paid for my stuff and as I was getting ready to leave. He was still mumbling.

It was like he had diarrhea of the mouth and couldn’t stop.

I just got out of there as quick as I could. I was glad to get away from “honey.”

The workers at the store told me the guy is a huge jerk and that’s not the only time they have had a run in with him. For every 100 nice people, there is one jerk like him that just ruins the best of days.

A few days later I was heading to the store. In the parking lot, a guy yapping on his phone wasn’t paying attention and almost ran into my car.

I wondered what in the world could be so important that this phone conversation had to take place right at the moment?

Could it have been his wife going into labor? That I would understand.

I always wonder what makes people feel the need that they must take the call while driving.

The guy ended up parking by me, and as he got out, he was still babbling.

I got a great idea. I wanted to follow him and see what he was talking about.

I felt like a poor man’s Sherlock Holmes following this guy into the store.

I’d like to say that he was having a baby and was quickly going to get cigar’s at the store.

This was not the case. He was taking to his friend about the Philadelphia Eagles trading LeSean McCoy to the Buffalo Bills.

It was life and death to him. He was literally yelling about the Eagles trading him like it was the most important thing.

My new car almost got into a wreck because this guy couldn’t wait to tell his fellow Eagles fan about a trade.

I hope the Eagles lose 16 games next year just so this guy’s is miserable. But maybe if I did that he’d be crying on the phone all the time and all of Sweetwater County would be in immense danger.

It’s people like that who make driving a bit dangerous. It’s every worse with texting. I just can’t imagine what is so important that a text can’t wait for a few minutes.

I’m hoping next week will be daisy, rainbows, cotton candy, sunshine and unicorns. If not, I’m heading for my cave.


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