Donald Trump on the range
August 2, 2017
(Editor note: This column is fiction, but reflects the writer’s views of where the country is headed)
Maneuvering the artillery took months longer than anyone had imagined. The impatient commander-in-chief yelled and screamed and twisted and contorted his face more than was usual even for him. He shouted “You’re fired!” more times than anyone could count.
On the periphery of the farms the barrage opened up. The formerly majestic windmills came crashing to the ground. They got twisted and crumpled and lay in the corn.
Meanwhile the smashing crews had been going around with crowbars and shattering solar panels. A few people stood in the way, but they were called environmental extremists and smashed over the head. Their blood covered the shattered glass.
After many attempts on the life commander-in-chief, things got better because the NRA was now overseeing the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, and all police forces; Law and Order were prevailing.
ICE was doing a fine job of rounding up all the illegal aliens and contrary populations, like Mexicans and Jews, gays, Muslims, intellectuals and liberal editors, publishers, and writers; you know, those First Amendment troublemakers.
On a victory tour to Wyoming, the man making America Great Again delivered a rousing speech:
“I want to thank all of you for having the good judgement to vote for me.
“I’m going to bring in some really smart people to clean this place up. Some Russian friends of mine are going to turn Jackson Hole into a terrific hunting and golfing resort. Jenny Lake will be renamed after my daughter Ivanka. The Tetons will be called The Trumps. In my new National Parks, hiking will cost $1,000 per day.
“We’re going to do really good things to Cheyenne. The state capitol building, which is a dump, will be cleared away and a huge, gold-leaf shining tower will be built. It’ll be so huge you can see it from Denver! This will be called the Trump Fossil Fuel Tower of the Rocky Mountains. The state government will operate from a shed out back.
“Impediments to progress will be completely eliminated. Eco-terrorism encouraging groups like Muley Fanatics, Trout Unlimited, the Sierra Club, and the Nature Conservancy, will all be gone. The ACLU, OSHA, the Anti-Defamation League, all unions, the Southern Poverty Law Center, things like that, will be suppressed. The leaders of these groups will be sent to Re-education Centers, where they will learn how to make gravel by hand. They will be paid the new, and generous, minimum wage of fifty cents.
“Job killing laws will be eliminated. Say goodbye to the Clean Air Act and the Clean Water Act. Kiss the EPA goodbye. Likewise, the Wilderness Act will have to go because there are valuable commodities in wilderness areas, that were put there by God, for man’s use.
“State clean-energy mandates will be eliminated. This is an example of the Federal Government knowing what’s best, and never again will states be allowed to make any kind of decisions on their own.
“The Federal public lands will not go to the states, because they can’t afford to manage it, and they wouldn’t know what to do with it. I will personally take charge of selling the land to private corporations, and some worthy individuals, like billionaires, who can put the land and resources to their best uses.
“I’d also like to point out that there are no more Indians. Their reservations will be carved up and sold. We will no longer have to worry about these so called ‘Water Protectors’ interfering with continent-wide infrastructure, … and, oh, did I mention that we attacked Canada this morning?
“And I have decided that, owing to some uncooperative elements in our country, that from now on, only members of the NRA are going to be allowed to own guns. This will only require a minor change to the Constitution.
“I want to sum up this speech by saying that elections are a fraud, and they need to be eliminated. Millions and millions of people, even dead ones, are voting multiple times. Folks, this problem can’t be fixed. It’s so bad that, it’s like, it’s too bad. As a solution, however, I will point out that there is more talent in my family than anywhere else. Accordingly, when I die, the office that I now so deservedly hold, will become hereditary.
“Wyoming, thank you. Thank you you’re great! Really wonderful people. Keep on cowboying!”