Taking on 72 ounces of meaty glory

It’s very safe to say that the television of today is far different than what I grew up with.

While a lot of my viewing consists of quality shows I religiously watch, there’s also a great deal of rubbernecking involved. I think a lot of times it’s just the pure shock value that keeps me involved and for some reason I can’t pull my eyes away.

I hate to admit it, but I once binged watched a marathon of a show called “Jerseylicous” which is about a hair salon in New Jersey with the classic Italian-American stereotypes.

I couldn’t believe I was watching a show about a bunch of caddy women and hair, but it entertained me and I left a impression of my butt cheeks on the couch that didn’t go away for months. I felt dirty. I just wanted to bathe in bleach after watching it, but deep down I loved it. I was surprised I didn’t purchase “50 Shades of Grey” after my marathon.

In another television induced bender, I once watched about 40 straight episodes of a show called “Man vs. Food.” For those who haven’t seen it, it was a show that consisted of an obnoxious guy who would travel around to restaurants in America, and take on some of the toughest eating challenges.

The challenges can be burgers, steaks, wings, noodles and just about anything you can think of.

Whether he wins or not, it’s usually pretty entertaining, even if it’s a bit to much gluttony and probably shortened the guy’s life span by about 10 years.

While watching the show it reminded me of when I was younger and had the appetite of a horse. Or is that I was always so hungry I could eat a horse. Anyway, when I was about 18 or 19, I went to a steak house that had an eating challenge.

The basis premise of the challenge was like the first episode of “Man vs. Food” where the host won the challenge by eating a 72-ounce steak, baked potato, shrimp cocktail, salad and roll in under an hour.

His prize was his meal was free and this was the same set up for my challenge, sans the shrimp cocktail.

I was a freshman at the University of Wyoming and after a few months of dorm food I was probably pretty sure I could eat a 1,000-ounce steak.

I didn’t realize just how big 72-ounces was, until the steak was placed in front of me.

I had seen some big steaks over the years, but this looked like it was half a cow. It was like a roast and t-bone had some sort of illicit affair and the spawn of their night of pleasure was sitting right in front of me.

I didn’t let this piece of meat intimidate me from the get go. I was hungry, I planned on getting this for free so I was ready to eat six pounds of beef and still save room for dessert.

The first half of the steak was cake. I smiled the entire time as I got a year’s worth of protein.

I took care of the sides and it was just me and half of the steak.

I didn’t think it would be a problem at all, but than I hit a wall. It happened fast. I started to get full and at the same time started to sweat.

I felt like I was the mom from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” after running a marathon. It started to be an awful sweat. It was almost like au jus.

I didn’t think there was anyway this was going to happen. I felt defeated about four pounds in. I felt like a failure. I had lived off of crappy dorm food and horrible $5 pizza and I couldn’t finish what would be a free meal.

At this point I had eaten so much of the steak that I swear I began to hallucinate. Everything in the restaurant looked like it was spinning and at one point I thought Big Bird was part of the wait staff.

It was like I ate peyote instead of beef.

There were a total of five of us who started the challenge and only two of us remained.

I looked at my friend and he was still in the smiling stage. He was going to finish it. I thought to myself I can’t go down without a fight and braced myself for another bite.

As soon as I took it, I felt better and went through the next pound like it was nothing. I was smiling again and thought I would beat the challenge.

Then my stomach made a noise I’ve never heard it make since. It was almost like a similar scene from the movie “The Great Outdoors.”

As soon as I heard the noise I knew that if I took one more bite, the steak was coming back out and that may have scarred me and the other diners for years to come.

I had eaten about five pounds of the steak. I was saddened, but proud of my effort.

I often think I’d like to give it one more try, but I’ll save that for the younger crowd.

 

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